chaos theory

results known tomorrow

2009-05-14T12:35:00.000-07:00

....and this time with certainty i will definitely say that i passed my California Bar. period. it is thursday . may 14. 12:37 noon...

things to do today: pack my bags for my NYC flight tomorrow. looking forward to the Dinner date at Pranna in NYC. and a night spent with Nikki waiting for the release of my CA bar results. nothing less than perfect than spending the most important day with the most important person in my life.

the snowstorm that made everything right

2009-03-08T23:18:00.000-07:00

finally we're together 3/2/09

4 days till the california bar results...

2008-11-17T07:49:00.000-08:00

why i know that i passed:
1. i used a macbook as my laptop. typing is indeed faster than cursive. ideas flow faster and efficiency is achieved on a better rate
2. experience becomes a factor. learning from the february bar has made me do the essays a little bit more analytical and more expansive than mere generalizations of law. had expounded a lot more on the PTs too compared to the one i took last february.
3. i got the PTs right down to the detail more than i did in Feb
4. i got 4 essays down to Pat, with me guessing that i did better than the scores i got last feb. more issues were explored, more analysis were given, and more IRAC was involved. if indeed i got a low essay score, it will be on questions 5 and 6, real property and CP/ Wills problem respectively.however, the good scores i sense i got from the other four would somehow counter balance that or offset the difference.
5. i chose C when i was in doubt over the MBEs and ran out of time in the morning session with the last ten numbers...i don't exactly know if that is a reason enough to pass.
6. i was inspired by niks for this bar unlike in february when there was no one i could focus my energy to.
7. God wills it that i make it this time. i know i am already ready to be a california lawyer.

why i may have failed:
- did not have enough preparation for the MBE. i didn't practice as i should have.
- no practice at all for the PT. zilch
- my failure to master CP/ Wills...again....
- only three hours of study time was devoted per day.
- i was working Full time. not advisable.
-i was busy concentrating on more essential matters of life...can't blame me, life is more than just a set of bar exams.
- family visit, took valuable time off my reading schedule..
-was not totally devoted to studying the bar.
-there was neither essay practices nor MBE simulation.
- i guess i just relied on stock knowledge.

* if i indeed made it, it's the inner voice in me that said " use a laptop and buy a mac" and of course, God's grace and nikki as my sole inspiration. not to mention luck and a lot of stock knowledge. Let's see if it worked.

it's been written all along...

2008-11-17T07:33:00.000-08:00

i've finally said what i fet all along....took the plunge and bared every honest piece of my soul to nikki. it was a saturday night, the 25th of october, and apparently this caught her by surprise. i just had to say it and it came rather much later in the night when i left her pad and called her back again to say a few things right right up in my mind. i guess that was all i needed to do to let her know that all the actions i took meant exactly what i needed her to understand. and she got the message loud and clear and with nothing lost in translation. it felt great and for the first time, i have bared my soul to someone i consider the most important person in my life. i have lost her before and yet this second chance at making it right almost seemed impossible to accomplish. and yet fate has made everything look perfectly simple... it's the magic of romance i guess, now i know for certain what love really is for the first time....and with more certainty now than ever before, i have truly come to find the very person i wanted to be with--without a doubt, it's nikki from New York...

mid year in review

2008-08-18T15:25:00.000-07:00

first of all, there has been so many experiences that made this year so important in my life. i have realized lately that my feeling of a certain "redemption" was founded on pure instinct and yet by a calculated investigatory accident, then by a stroke of pure cognition, it turned out to be true. she didn't really feel as if this was the life she chose. enough said. i don't even revel at this discovery or celebrate in the light of her depression. the past is truly past. now i realized that indeed things follow a natural and purposeful flow. i didn't choose to hurt anybody, although i must admit that i was consciously doing it knowing fully well that it will eventually have hurt her feelings if she indeed found out. when she did, few years ago, i could not truly say my world collapsed but the pain was there. but priorities had to be set and set they were. the situation as i look back now all seemed like a market economy on a worldwide scale. there was an upturn, a slump and a recession but never did it come to the point of a depression. that thing that occurred few years back was a self correcting mechanism to correct the flaws in the market. that's how things turn out differently at present. true indeed that the goal of finding peace and happiness never stops but i can truly tell that i am more than halfway there. finding myself back to where i once started my journey of finding who i truly wanted to be with brought me back to where i started. i feel as if i am reconnecting my life back to her and hoping that by revealing myself once again would not seem a bit too late to start it over again. the year 2008 has been a good year, even considering the feb calif bar, much of the year has been a very good one for me. finding nikki, surprising her, visiting her, finding my passion for writing letters, opening up myself once again to the idea of finding love and surrendering myself to the emotion has made this year really worth noting.
the year's not yet over though, i have an october date, a november reckoning with the calif bar results, and probably a white christmas in the works in the streets of new york coming my way.

left my heart in new york city

2008-07-06T14:29:00.000-07:00

finally found what i've been looking for all these years. it turns out that the very first person i truly fell in love with is the very same person i eagerly await to see everytime i visit new york. that is why leaving the city is such a difficult thing to do. everything turned out perfect last saturday, red sox and yankees baseball with nikki made the day worthwhile. the day before that spent with her at her apartment made it seem so surreal. i couldn't believe my eyes that i'm right beside the person i've always wanted to be with and yet i did the most stupidest thing before--that is, walking away and turning around--only to find myself yearning for her, missing her all these years and finally realizing what enormous mistake i made before. my only hope now is that i wish i didn't come to late in her life...for then if the heartaches of the past has never really healed, then i know for certain that i lost the only person i would truly love for the rest of my life.

96 percent on the mpre

2008-04-08T08:32:00.000-07:00

earlier i talked about freakin annihilating the mpre exam, i guess the heading of this blog entry for this day pretty much shows that i meant what i said back then. enough said.

left my heart in new york city

2008-04-08T08:19:00.000-07:00

five days have passed since i got back from the big apple and i still continue to be elated from that highlight of an experience-- dinner reservations at the sea grill mailed on the day i flew to new york, reached nikki by surprise thinking how it meshed in like a spam email but to her surprise twas me on the invite,got snowed in in minneapolis St. Paul that led me to miss my flight to JFK which actually led me to la guardia international and for that my luggage got delayed for two days--but the best part of it all was seeing nikki for the very first time in 8 years, she looked exactly like she did the last time i've seen her and amidst the jungle that is the city of new york, she was the lady that stood out and took my breath away completely. surprising her was done with deliberate intention at such short notice and i guess it was a welcome surprise. twas 8 years in the making and i'm back to where i should have been in the first place... it has always been nikki all along.

getting ready for a big bite at the big apple

2008-03-28T14:45:00.000-07:00

it's only a few days away, before i embark on a reckless, unplanned and totally spontaneous visit to New York City only because of nikki. and i like it. i am totally ecstatic over this forthcoming experience. almost ten years have gone since i last held my eyes fixated on her and i am about to bring back the lost moments in time in a complete three sixty degree turn...and there's nothing more exciting than surprising the only person that could have been the most significant person then in my life...and i think she still remains to be that person after all these years.

of course, i'm expecting the worst but the endless river of hope never runs out...

karma police

2008-03-05T13:14:00.000-08:00

it was over before it could have started. that's how i see things manifested itself in the past couple of days. it was a whirlwind of events and culminating in an adrenalin induced parting shot that practically sealed the deal or should i say, tore the tie that bound whatever vestige of friendship that has ever existed between us.i guess this is how i get a lesson from past deeds where i usually end up breaking people's hearts. for the first time in my life, i was dealt such a blow and only then i realized how much i fell for her. it was karma police frantically knocking at my door and serving a warrant for my arrest. justice served indeed and now i am serving my sentence.

christmas wish list

2007-12-24T08:41:00.000-08:00

Dear Santa: i know i've been more than naughty than nice but still, i insist on having these wishes granted. i know it's a bit too much but am sure i am certainly entitled to it. weird as it sounds, these wish list don't come around christmas 07 but it actually sounds more like a new year's resolution/or a set of goals. either way just because christmas is next day, it just feels right to put up a " christmas wish list" no matter how absurd it may sound.
1.pass the california february 2008 bar
2.maintain my unblemished US driving record at ZERO tickets for the rest of the year
3.annihilate the MPRE friggin exam
4.do something different for my birthday
5.finish reading "on the road" and "a hundred years of solitude"
6.to relish my last year being a "tweenie"
7.do more than just dropping hints tsk tsk tsk....
8.plan a weekend for the coachella festival
9.to just be reckless one day and drive off 101 south straight to Los Angeles
10.and just let the good times roll....

gibberish

2007-11-19T20:09:00.000-08:00

woke up early today to find the motivation to study but my lazy ass genes got the better of me...again... this is turning out to be a struggle to say the least. i've again been sucked into imagining things that could only ever happen in a parallel universe living out my life that was once were and lazily daydreaming about it. i've always had this knack for taking my own sweet time, thinking that the world is waiting for me. i don't think my attitude will change. i am built this way, and therefore i know that i am doing the right thing.

so going back to my preparations for next february's california bar, i will set the revised plan for another day-- tomorrow would be good.

now it's just a few minutes away before i get ready for the daily grind of things--work, work, work....life really get's the better of me in this work-a-day world.

downhill from red rock

2007-11-17T15:13:00.000-08:00

yes there was this friend i had to see perform at downtown mountain view and it was a blast. a coffee shop jam session really punctuated the night sky and it was a perfect blend of music and company in an otherwise cold november night. of course, a little bit of corona buzz from molly mcgees to where we first headed out to before finding the rallypoint for the rendezvous tweeked us a bit nicely for the evening's performance. well, nothing much happened ever since, the daily trek to borders for the effervescent cup of brewed americano and a bunch of readings were the daily staple for the most part of the week.... what else...hmmm..... just work, the daily grind, oh yeah, and a midweek meeting which requires me to go online for my benefits but which my own password literally fails me to access my very own account.geez...talk about being helpless and inadequate...too many things to complain about really but am not the type who'd blabber in a stressful manner. il just let the natural course of things take its place. and by that i mean, just letting it roll....

uphill climb

2007-11-03T19:26:00.000-07:00

now to be on the top means being right where you want to be. earlier today, i was literally on top of the City, up in the masonic center for the multi state Professional Responsibility exam. well, what can i say? not much except that a tiny bit of bar blues came rushing to mind but the relatively "small" turnout compared to the six thousand and a couple of hundreds more that came out during the Philippine Bar Exam of 2006 gave me the feeling that this first part in becoming a california lawyer has been given nondescript attention. not that i wished for camera's clicking, drums rolling,and all those cheers from peers, but it made me feel that truly, one needs no special attention to be called to this great lawyering profession. funny thing is, not even my folks knew that i was taking the Mpre today, until i called them 30 minutes before i headed to the exhibit hall for the registration and the test proper. i always wanted to be just a face in the crowd anyway. i didn't need the special attention to the fact that i am a foreign attorney, hoping to pass the first challenge that is the mpre before i take head on the california bar in february of 2008. truly an uphill climb.but i've been there and done that, and i don't think taking these challenges now in a different jurisdiction would change my game plan nor affect my preparation.
today was an uphill climb, but i still came out on top.

in five weeks time i'll say again that i was never wrong in my assumption, to which i say now, it is a foregone conclusion.

T-minus 240 hours

2007-10-24T10:27:00.000-07:00

it's getting nearer and nearer by the day and it seems like i don't mind the countdown just yet. the nervous feeling is a bit delayed i guess, for some reason, cinching the daunted Philippine Bar last year on my virgin take took a lot of pressure off in this new venture that i am delving into. yes, the MPRE is a prelude to the most difficult Bar exams in the United States--that is, the California Bar. Well,ten days before the exams and i feel good about my preparation. the usual review of the materials in a repetitive motion conditions my brain to either digest it whole or expect nothing to evaporate when the day of reckoning arrives. today i got plans for more review, woke up at 330am to re-read twice over the materials over a good cup of starbucks coffee, crackers and toaster-baked salmon with butter and cheese.yummy.
later today, i got snatched over to be in some chinese restaurant much to my chagrin, much later, i need to secure a photo ID for the MPRE permit and would probably head over to dave and buster's with a few friends of mine to watch the start of Baseball's World Series.

the list

2007-10-11T00:52:00.000-07:00

there are certain things that i really want to happen right now. first, be able to make it past the MPRE exams in november, that's on top of my priority list. what comes second is just finding the right mix of alcoholic alchemy to bid a lasting farewell to my never ending fear of coming to terms with what seems to be an opportunity to meet the right person in life and fall short of making that leap....a dreamy fairy tale rendezvous connection is sometimes what i think of occurring. well...so much for the thought but truly action does speak louder than an afternoon revelvrie.
i do not wish to embark on an epic quixotic misadventure that i would think will lead me to giant windmill monsters but i fervently deluge myself into thinking of that great experience when you feel that surge of passion and devil may care attitude which to my mind has lost it's innocence during the year's gone by. i want to rekindle that theatrical feel , that burst of energy that tells me that there's one thing to do and there's no other way of doing it but just getting it done no matter what the cost. i like that feel. i've been through that several times and i don't think i've ever lost that appeal. i still have it, it just seems that i've nursed it too long to carry over my daily grind of things--the regular dog days of summer and now, during this this fast approaching winter. time does indeed fly, and truly life does happen when you're busy doing something else.

you don't have to be an android to dream of electronic sheep

2007-10-04T05:21:00.000-07:00

is it as important to know where things have really started to have this combined understanding of who we really are today? nope this is not an existentialist statement yearning for the very reason of the importance of being...and possibly nothingness, but it comes to such point that my understanding of everything must really be somewhere at some very focal point in someone else's life. like for instance, the thought of me being here, in the very real world of sense impressions of day to day living stems from the factual matter of two people exchanging bodily fluids so to speak. it's never in a malicious sense of course but to speak bluntly about it, without the romantic entanglings of love and affection, i became who i am today because of two people choosing to plan me out for the purpose of procreation. i just blurred the vision of my parents doing "it" to have me....the me i am today. weird thing is, if i do ever have one encounter of this nature now, i don't think i'd think of even having a "me" so to speak...as of yet. typical out of the wedding knot gibberish i must say but truth is really very bluntly said...and i say it with much certainty.
few months ago this kind of encounter isn't really for such "fact" to occur but merely for mutual satisfaction for the wrong reasons. wrong because society dictates its wrong and the fancy of single life only gives it the green light. geez i guess i put out too much information this time...
well...what the heck, i just want to have a piece of my mind spread out in this vast electronic dream world.

precious

2007-09-25T08:58:00.000-07:00

finally some sign that i might get a glimpse of that elusive angel with silver wings. well, couple of days ago, i did manage to strike a pseudo-conversation more likened to that squeamish small talk that everyone dreads. she came up and made the move and i was just too polite to reply, seeemingly cautious not to excite any forthcoming red flag to scatter away the obvious target so i managed to be in my penchance for nonchalant behavior which i must say would never cause a major stir.it must have worked, the non magic, the suppression of sparks worked wonders and just relegated everything to a seemingly random encounter. but i wouldn't wanna have it any other way. true, i work my stuff in an odd fashion so to speak, more like lame excuse for not seizing the day so it seemed. i guess i was just hoping for the right time....if and when it does come, it would certainly be a welcome surprise.

geez i've been remiss

2007-09-19T23:14:00.000-07:00

wow time flies like the speed of light. well, not exactly but it felt like it since i last had the chance to update this thing called blog..anyway, it's not that nothing happened for the most part but it seemed as if i didn't have the usual energy to burn the night light and work my words through literary magic. ok i won't get in over my head on that one...not yet.

anyhow, weeks have rolled by pretty easily, hung out with friends, met new quirky ones, disposed off a few unworthies, and once again, a moment devoted to self discovery came about. all in several weeks. plus a stinging douse of reality check for my folks, who patiently waited for me to be home after a late night binge at san jose's britannia arms...

on the academic side, i've managed to finish off my application for determination of good moral character for my upcoming california bar--complete with fingerprint verification by the FBI affiliate office and professional references running all across the globe. from hanoi to auckland, a sweet stop at manila and back to the city by the bay, looks like am all set to be confirmed of my good moral virtues--at least in the next six months. let's end with a wicked smile on that one.

the road that was never traveled

2007-09-02T07:40:00.000-07:00

one night i was spending the last day of my weekend lounging around the sofa, eyes fixated on the telly,and it suddenly hit me: there is no sense in bringing back whatever was left from the past. period. true that there were indeed moments where i could easily rendezvous into dreamland and transport my mind to where i exactly stood in the past and reliving everything as if doing it on cue from a role in this theater called life. well, truth of the matter is, whatever role i had in the past all seemed like the end credits of a movie--it just rolled off the screen and like a good actor who knows one great feat of triumph, there can never be another one duplicating that performance. i see myself in that self exaltation and with no regrets. i think. or maybe i would have wanted to take that role once again if possible, and maybe, just maybe, do it in a different light.

this thing called life

2007-08-28T08:00:00.000-07:00

alright. here i am again. nope, i've got nothin to complain about now and it's not as if i always have some quirks to make a fuzz about. i just couldn't sleep yet right after work. it's that simple. or maybe it's that microwave beef stroganoff that has gotten my brain cells stimulated for some writing exercise. i guess so. either way, i have something to put up with this blogging report sort of thing. see, i forgot to make mention before about how this new life has brought me so much time to actually figure things out more about myself. during the course of this rather introspective period so to speak, i got to find out how more about myself. lemme just put it this way, most of my adult life i have asked the question: how did i turn out this way? i guess this goes without saying that a little of my dad's motivation to be a slave to his guilt and my mom's zen like solitary meditative approach to approaching problems of whatever sort gives my personality away. it was just like stumbling on a hidden treasure staring right at me in the face.
i mean, truly it is the work of the genes, but to actually live life according to what my genetic make up predisposed me to do is like watching an experiment doomed to fail from the beginning. but i guess that's the beauty of life that is, knowing oneself is half the battle. making the choices that make up whatever it is that's called life completes the whole picture. and where am i right now in this cycle of life? i think i can honestly say that i'm halfway to knowing myself completely. and the other half is still just loosely under heavy construction.

small talk

2007-08-24T07:19:00.000-07:00

alright this boss of mine at work kinda left me wondering why the hell did he even bother to get to know more about my personal life out of the blue. i mean, it was kinda strange having him walk up to me and build a conversation about me if ever i were committed and it all started there. it was a sort of Q and A and i fell for it right off the bat as if on cue just like the way they do it on late night shows. and i was more than ready to spill out the beans so to speak. during the course of five minutes or so, i was spewing 3 years of my personal life in those few minutes of unexpected friendly gesture.i was just taken aback afterwards and i recovered all my thoughts and thought to myself, why did i even bother opening myself up like that to someone i don't even give a hoot about? beats me.

they're the band from Los Angeles

2007-08-20T08:30:00.000-07:00

that's what zach said opening up the set with these words, "we're the band from Los Angeles and we're rage against the machine." they started out blasting on all cylinders and i was just mesmerized and taken by the whole thing like being back on my youthful heydays in the late 1990's. Yep, twas a good trip down memory lane and i wouldn't trade it for anything else. i lived to see them once and it might as well be their last appearance together. i missed them at coachella this year when they reunited for the festival down in Indio, California but i swore i never would miss the chance to see them at the rock the bells festival over here at san francisco. Cypress Hill was there, Public Enemy and Wu Tang Clan, but who cares? they were all a bunch of opening acts for Rage. although cypress hill kicked in some good old school funk( insane in the brain, kill a man) and some new stuff--be a rock superstar. but nevertheless, all the people were there just for one band that mattered most--rage against the machine, and i couldn't agree any less.

looks like new history is old history

2007-08-17T08:01:00.000-07:00

so i was driving home from work and it suddenly occurred to me that two of my favorite cd's were no longer in my physical possession. i mean, it's not too much of a big deal but in fact it turns out to be a big deal instead. not that i am making so much fuss about it now but still, i cherish those cd's like it meant something during a certain part of my life. ok, maybe it meant something then, but hey, i still feel like a part of me is lost without it. ( alright, there's some drama in there but i swear to its truthfulness).
anyhow, it's the verbow cd and the Taking Back Sunday "tell all your friends" cd that i painfully lost track of. now verbow's "new history" plays back on my mind endlessly showing off those awesome lyrical magic. ok so i miss my verbow cd more than TBS, the latter being more like a Thursday spinoff. either way, somehow i felt like a playlist was made out of it and given to someone else who readily would have appreciated the fact of such solemn music contemplation generously given--at my expense of course. ok i might sound bitter and utterly inflamed by paranoia that an important part of me has been infringed so to speak. maybe i have not gotten over the fact that another new history has just unfolded, and perhaps this is really the new history.

more than the usual shenanigans

2007-08-13T07:30:00.000-07:00

so now it's almost a week till i get to see RATM in concert for the first time. i dunno what i was thinking when i entertained the thought of retailing my ticket on ebay ( probably for twice what i paid for it) but the good sense in me won me over from that episode. i mean Wtf?#! it's freakin rage and it's gonna be the first and probably the last time i'll see those guys play and hesitation should never have been in my mind at all. i know, it seems that i have so many things on my plate right now but there can be no excuses. anyhow, it's merely a couple of days more before saturday arrives and i simply can't be anymore excited. i'm just a fan boy i guess, that i could never grow out of. music it seems has this certain effect on me that i feel like it keeps me grounded on the fact that there's just so much more in life than the ghastly routine of everyday living--and whatever routine that might be, it sure is better to know that there are other things more important than the usual shenanigans.

so does it matter if postal service is simply death cab in sheep's clothing?

2007-08-08T03:28:00.000-07:00

yes it does. i guess in some freudian world of uninhibited freedom of thought, this question would come out naturally on top of the list--maybe on my list so to speak. so why does it matter? random conversations over the course of the year 2005 has made me realise today that even the most minute details of everything came flashing through my memory-- routine car drives, brief phone calls, short glib remarks, the loudness of silence that make every conduct look as if a total conversation has gone wrong but even then it feels like everything seems to be perfectly alright.

no am not on drugs. i just remembered how a seemingly unimportant question was thrown at me with utter amazement and consciously needing for some positive answers which i felt like i was the only person who could answer it straight face. of course it wasn't a simple Q and A type of thing, but in a world of complex conversation and naughty wits, i was simply flabbergasted to say nothing, dumbfounded i was, but then come two years later when all things were all too different, i stumbled upon it and figured out that simply, the vocals for both groups are one and the same. sheesh..

well, i had the same moment previous to this, but i did manage to come through the naughty wit and through utter amazement and surprise perhaps, i did come up with the right answer to a really good trivia, a blind trivia at that, the clue being the only voice you hear out of a song to simply find out who was the vocals behind the music: it was gomez. the silence was amazing. the thought that i didn't seem to have a clue resonated like a ringing bell but the answer threw the stereotype of being clueless and i was rightfully correct, and truly i felt good about it...

false alarm

2007-08-01T01:49:00.000-07:00

yep...i managed to find my cd bag lying comfortably at the trunk of my car. i know i didn't place it there but am hella sure somebody did to feign off prying eyes from the outside lookin in...well.... guess there's no reason to press the panic button yet...but i tell you, that was one hell of a scare.

i guess i put to much emphasis on things i tend to treasure most and im that kinda person that does hold on to things that mean something to me in some weird way like a boxful of candies way past their expiration on my fridge...hmmm...shall we say 6 years?

oh well....things have changed for the most part and i guess twas for the better, but some things still do remain.

low fidelity

2007-07-30T07:05:00.000-07:00

alright, i just got home from work and i was eager to burn a copy of a cd for my sister who came to visit recently. i was supposed to sleep a bit before getting down to it but i got no sense of procastination so i looked for my awesome cd collection in my otherwise awesome car...but to no avail. i was frantically looking for the case in my room, in the kitchen, down in the garage, underneath my sheets, bathroom cabinets, wherever i could have possibly misplaced it somehow..but still to no avail. and then i remember, i drove to san bruno yesterday and thinking it might have slipped out of the car while the door was opened which was the most horrendous thing that could ever occur and up to this moment i fear the worst-- that i might have lost the soundtrack of my life...

what's really eating gilbert grape?

2007-07-19T18:28:00.000-07:00

i couldn't help but see how much i've missed some of the things that i used to do. whatever that is, i won't really delve on it with much particularity. it's just that, i don't even know if i am merely a victim of circumstance or is it really written in my fate that i be who i am now at this day and age. i am not young by any means and yet i don't think i am ever that old to still continue to aspire for things like a sun drenched daydreamer has over the course of his painstaking journey towards blissful contentment of just relishing the thought that someday maybe, things will turn out just as fine.

i am not saying that a certain mid life crisis has struck upon my so called life on the west coast. i never really thought of it that way perhaps. in the first place, i am nowhere near my forties, heck, i'm not even close to being in my thirties. well...i won't flatter myself but i'll soon reach it in a couple of years time. a couple meaning within two or more years. anyways, i have difficulty considering whatever i'm feeling a "crisis" since from the outset, i have always maintained this self content demeanor. unnerved by anything and always seemed composed to the full extent but tell that to a psychologist with his psycho babble shits and my cover will surely be blown to smithereens. Yup, i have this mask on to cover whatever vulnerability i have inside of me, like most people i guess. but is it time to really consider it a crisis? nothing's really eating me up yet like gilbert grape.

calm like a bomb

2007-07-18T19:07:00.000-07:00

let's just say that i'm bored as hell with the goings on right now especially with the daily grind of things. it's just the same over and over in a repetitive cyclical motion. i cannot complain however routinely it has gotten because it has been the life i have come to choose. i need to make adjustments to accomodate my intention of taking the february state bar and with that choice comes the uninteresting lifestyle of work, study and rest. speaking of study, i haven't brushed up on my books lately and it's two days counting... speaking of work... it's the same old shit but different day...speaking of rest...i am definitely not skimping on any...

thursday i don't care bout you

2007-07-12T16:56:00.000-07:00

...it's friday, im in love...with the thought that weekend is almost upon me and as i myself am not a really big fan of the weekend, i,over the past several weeks,have looked forward to it every time since there seems to be a sense of urgency each time weekend dawns upon me. another week down to count out, and soon enough another year beckons. it's weird thinking about '08 this early in mid july since it is merely half a year of waiting till january begins to unfold. nevertheless, the thought that half a year has gone by has given me such positive thoughts that days are going by faster than usual, psychologically of course. i don't know if it's a good thing but having days run pass by is much better than turning back the hands of time. the latter is simply a preposterous impossibility but say that to a certain Stephen Hawking and probably you'd be surprised to find out that in this universe, there are realms of possibilities that even astound the most critical of minds. i say preposterous to the possibility of finding myself back in time since it might be a sign that i am nearing my death, if the notion that once your life flashes before you, you are almost certainly on the brink of breakfast toast. nonetheless, having the idea of having to go back in time seems neat, conservatively speaking. i mean, having the chance to see things you've been a part of repeat itself would literally bring back memories to reality in a flicker. now the question remains.... would i want to meddle in history and change things ? ( omfg, this is such a cheesy cliche)

see, if i did meddle, i wouldn't know if i would be the same person as i am now. not that i hate myself as of presstime, but to have the opportunity to choose between divergent roads to take would put me in the same shoes as that of Mr. Robert Frost. would i take then the road less traveled?

that's why i don't care much about thursday right now coz it has given me so much issues to write about in this little old blog. then again, it might be a whole lot different the following thursday.i'll just have to wait and see.

meanwhile at the hall of justice

2007-07-11T22:24:00.000-07:00

another day to write about my thoughts at the moment. this thing came on early and much like a train of thought i would definitely like to contain its unending stream of overloaded information in one blog entry. here it goes....

i was pleasantly lulling over my youth and it suddenly struck me that i couldn't get back to that feeling way back in grade school when all i needed to worry about was getting up early and eagerly awaiting the saturday fun machine on RPN 9. it was a cartoon block featuring the super friends right after the religious vignette, "sharing in the city." the animated series by today's standards would be appalling in contrast to today's unbelievable leaps in 3D animation and computer generated images. nevertheless, the storyline and the fact that super heroes getting together and meeting at the hall of justice was just too tempting to consider it merely a passing fancy. they have resurrected the same flavor in recent years with the " justice league" but it never really got my fancy compared to its predecessor. i am obviously biased it seems but i cannot bargain away the thought that the newer version is better coz it truly pales in comparison. that's why there's always the original and everything else comes in a far second.

there's this other animated series which preceded everything to date...the visionaries. those pokemon kids are as clueless to the fact that the visionaries could deliver some serious ass-kickin...

no killer all filler

2007-07-05T01:46:00.000-07:00

this is just a way to fill in more psycho babble shits in this blog. i honestly have no idea what to write about. i have so many things eager to express but just as with anything else, excitement just goes down the drain. apart from the fact that it is already past the unholy hour of 1 in the morning, and after downing a bottle of heine, it just seems perfect to simply lay down and relax. but turns out, i still have my PC on, by sheer neglect and laziness to turn it off for the night, i find myself writing more about nothing...really nothing. so here goes more.....

after a long pause, i really cannot find any more things to write about. maybe i should call this a day. another one beckons tomorrow, whatever it brings, it surely is a nice thought that sleep is just another way of resting this tired soul...

at the drive in

2007-07-04T23:51:00.000-07:00

mel's drive- in that is...up in the city, ( that's San Francisco) with a friend of mine from way back. it was rather an unexpected meeting of some sort since i came out of a movie theater reliving my childhood memory of transformers built up in the movie screen before i lay squandered by how much they have "americanized" bumblebee into a chevy camaro ( what a way to trump up the beetle, and the german auto makers at least in a hollywood movie). nevertheless, the movie literally lived up to its hype. i loved it. i knew cars were such beautiful piece of machines and i bet with my bottom dollar that they too have feelings. at least i wanna believe that. like what i always say, your car is the only thing that you will never hear complain through all the troubles you may find yourself into. it simply just keeps mum and goes through a lot but nevertheless, it always stays and keeps you protected. i am a witness to that. i've practically been in a lot of car crashes with my first car, a japanese car at that--nissan sentra ex saloon-- which to this day is still going strong but held in semi retirement. not long ago i had the chance to reconnect with it when i came back to RP for a couple of days and guess what? only a few hours of use, it totally showed me how it felt neglected and i felt for it. its alternator gave in but still got me out of trouble before i even took that long drive to the province. next, a nail was found back in the rear tire being cute and cuddly wanting to get attention to an impending flat tire but again the reliable car managed to go through unscathed. am sure the nine years of everyday that i spent with that car was all worth it and that's why i have kept it in semi retirement. nope, i will never discard that because there has just been so much history that i have spent with it. i am keeping it because it has numerously been my saviour from the crashes i've been through the last being against a HINO 25-wheeler truck that broke the rear windows, sent me half turning and ruined the rear bumper and trunk of my car to smithereens but nevertheless left me unscathed. keeping it will surely be worthwhile as i know i treasure when i find one.

about the night in the city, well, it was just dinner and a whole lot of talkin. rekindling lost friendship, and the days gone by.

ignorance is never bliss

2007-06-30T09:57:00.000-07:00

...especially when you find out about certain things that are best left private. that's why privacy laws come into place. it is well settled that although right to privacy is indeed not explicitly spelled out in the RP constitution, it is nevertheless a right guaranteed to individuals based upon several code provisions spread out amongst the myriad of laws in RP, some of which maybe quite familiar as the the civil code on article 26, provisions on the due process clause under the fundamental law, and case law specifically the zulueta case ( if my mind still serves me well)among others. to stress the point even further, " a married man does not shed his rights to privacy just because he became married." quoting that famous line under case law in RP in which the High Tribunal disallowed the use by the scorned wife of private letters by her husband to evidence his infidelity. truly, if it were not so, then even husbands could be subjected to incriminating evidence in legal-sneak-me-out-of-this-shits-i-found-myself-in-terms. enough of that.
well, what do you know? i'm a sneaky bastard. the beauty of imagination is that everything and anything can be possible.

sunday bloody sunday

2007-06-25T16:21:00.000-07:00

ok let me get this thru, i started out writing just for the sake of filling up this blog for this day and i ended up drafting about how sunday early morning mass beats the crap out of me. forgive me jesus but i am not really keen on going to mass for reasons just because...i go to hear mass when i feel like there is a connection and solemnity behind it but if for reasons of obligatory conduct which tradition imposes upon it's community, then it tends to be a time wasted for the upkeep of nominal faith. i respect the reasons to hear mass, the tradition and symbolism that go with it as well as the pre vatican II notion that it is a mortal sin to ommitt going to a sunday mass ( which to my mind is preposterous) but please for reasons of sincerity, one can truly be religious and yet ever more sincere by being more devoted to move against the very structures of sin in society than mere piousness and traditional prayer. actions truly speak louder than words.

being holden caulfield

2007-06-23T17:56:00.000-07:00

i finally come to the last chapter of the california (CA) barbri and it's a bit of a relief to finally see the lengthy erstwhile book come to a close. it's refreshing to say the least but come to think of it, it's a sneaky bitch, Wills come in to finish things off when you're about to relish the fact that you're almost through the book. mind you, it's only the first of 10 bar materials neatly bound in book form covered with midnight blue backdrop and some mild yellow and orange appeal letterings to keep the eyes soothed and refreshed. i always loved blue. being a guy seems natural to go for blue than pink when you're a kid. then i sort of grew out of childhood then but i still got this inkling for the color blue. i got a blue room in the house i grew up in. i was still living in that same house until i got accepted in a school bannered in everything blue. i was particularly fond of that experience coz it felt like being in some sense "important and made." not entirely for reasons that you're simply rich and famous, but because you have the brains that make any other school green with envy (pun definitely intended). i envy those who feel that they don't need to do anything to keep up with the times. it seems that time is really on their side. i mean, the simplicity of the contentment for things that they already possess keeps them grounded to a halt. i don't think i can ever be like that. i am content, yes, i know, but only to a certain extent because i always have this inkling for achieving something under my stated objectives without being too public about it. i'd rather keep it simply below radar. which reminds me of something, one saturday morning, about two weeks ago, i accidentally drove past a pedestrian walkway just when the traffic lights turned red. unfortunately that intersection had those sneaky red light camera's working so i got flashed for allegedly "beeating the red light." i just overstepped by a measly 2 feet by my professional count and as i prepare for the ticket being sent through the mail ( as well as my fool proof defense in case i get to court to contest it) i wake up this saturday morning with just one insignificant credit card junk mail on my mailbox to keep me company. after 15 calendar days without a ticket being sent, it seems more than likely that i got off the hook. either way, i am more than capable of getting my way out of trouble in case it gets that far.

tuesday's with heine

2007-06-19T23:21:00.000-07:00

over the weekend we had this party going on at home and good thing my sister came over from LA that morning to serve as another warm body to cushion the steady stream of visitors mostly relatives of my mom and the usual cousins i see from time to time. the only disappointment is that i didn't get the portos cheese roll as i've earnestly requested that be brought from sweet LA which just turned my day rather upside down. or maybe i'm just exaggerating, i'm not that type of person who sulks endlessly bout not getttin what i want when i want it. i am just not that type. either way, i got something handy to keep me buzzed all afternoon and well into the night, that nice little green bottle of heine and much to my comfort, it's already a tuesday night and i still got a few bottles left over. cheers!

today

2007-06-15T18:04:00.000-07:00

...is not the greatest day i've ever known. it's just an ordinary day to say the least. what is ordinary? waking up, making my bed, doing simple deeds like hanging a wall decor for this sunday's party, drivin to the nearby grocery for some vitamin water, pepperidge farm's cookies and a small pack of hoho's ( yep, i am a sweet tooth). the thing is, i don't like the way the day goes by for some friggin reason. today happens to be a good day for the bills as it ensures that those remain to be balanced and accounted for. not that i live from paycheck to paycheck but is this all there is to life after the good old days of school? where carelessness and freedom seems to be much more abundant than what it seems now. i don't know, maybe living in a different part of the world has kept me re aligning my priorities or the lack of it. for now i am quite sure that the next thing on my to-do list is to grind through the days until february when another grueling set of bar matters would preoccupy my fancy. or is it just a way for me to mask this otherwise uneventful life? of course i shouldn't say that, or i would be spitting scoffs at lowlife's and less than ambitious people who content themselves with a smile and a happy thought.
maybe i just needed that occasional smile or that happy contentment in myself which i must say is quite hard to find. i could honestly say that the absence of such feelings has been a common place. i don't ask for it, i just have it in multiples. i just find no reason to smile about anything except perhaps the funny re runs of seinfeld, but other than that everything else seems bland and i always find myself suppressing moments where i could otherwise be a happy camper in this hot summer days of june. nevertheless i do not regret being this way for the meantime, maybe i needed this kind of wall in my psyche. immediate gratification is not really a part of my attitude, i'd rather delay for the most part. that's who i am and i don't see that changing in the coming days.

sans frontieres

2007-06-13T23:23:00.000-07:00

let me go back to the very reason why i came up with this idea of blogging. it's not like i just wanted to join in the bandwagon, but i kinda felt i needed to release some thoughts about my impending wait (then) for the results of the bar. now that the agonizing wait is over, got really nothin much to complain about now that i am an attorney. so it got me thinking, what is then the purpose for this blog now that the original intent for creating this was ultimately accomplished? i guess, i would have to say that keeping this running would be a hard act to follow through without a certain sense of purpose. so let me put it this way, until such a time i come up with another purpose for this blog, i'd endlessly bicker about insignificant matters i would most definitely pick up during the day( and nights, of course). which brings me to my somewhat regular stay at a local coffee shop/ bookstore which i shall call in my own words "sans frontieres" because it feels like you can move from the coffee shop to the bookshelves uninterruptedly without feeling trapped. now that is cool and amazing coz you get to really read for free and enjoy the coffee and of course the occasional pretty damsels who seem to get lovelier whenever they really make the point of hitting the books rather than being simply a decor on the wall. well, that's just me. i always tend to be partial to a lady who seems quite the brain more than the bod that she exudes, nevertheless, one cannot exist without the other if i am to take things seriously.
anyhow, what's my business in a coffee shop? well, i read, read, and read. i spend on the average at least three hours in a day just going through the california bar review materials. yep, it's not as hectic yet, as it should be, but i guess the time alloted is enough considering the bar is set 8 months from now in february. so there it is, and yeah, i guess i found another reason to keep this blog going.

6/6/07

2007-06-06T22:17:00.000-07:00

nothin much is special today except that at this same time last year i was at a movie theater watching damien wreak havoc on the silver screen. i'm sure the PR strategy for making it debut on 6/6/06 seems quite frightening but the movie seemed forgettable to say the least. i don't even remember how the story went except that julia stiles of "ten things" was in there...i guess i am mostly bent towards the old damien movies....what can i say, nothing compares to the original. which brings to mind something i wanna share..i always liked things in their original form, preserved, unaltered and simply kept the way it was supposed to look and feel. unretouched, never tinkered upon and just being the way it is supposed to be. now, what's this all about? i don't have a freakin idea. maybe i'm just tellin something about myself and how i like things the way they are or maybe i was implicitly saying things about certain things that shouldn't be tinkered with, whatever that is, i don't have a clue. well, you see, i'm just blabbing around and for the sake of clarity, i only came upon this idea of writing into this blog just for the intellectual word exercise i could possibly come up with to complement the torrid and excruciating reading exercises that i am currently embarking on right now. yep, 02/08 is the target and while the winter might bring out the bitter cold, i am currently heating up things this time of year.

big empty

2007-05-17T03:06:00.000-07:00

the moment that captures the most alluring feature of one's life has to have it's deliberate end. from a point atop the pedestal of accomplishment, reality must somehow set in and the daily routine of this so called life must keep rolling monotonously like the endless crashing of the waves. i mean, you can't be so freaking high everytime right? or am i right? it just seems weird that after all the hardships and the agony of waiting, amidst all the uncertainty of how the future may bring, when all seemed to fall into perfect sense and precise to the point according to what was planned, everything just seemed to taper down. let me tell you this, ever have that feeling of a saturday night party like the fun would never end but of course, you'll eventually come to realize that there is a such a thing as a "monday morning."

i guess i am into that right now. of course, things have changed for the better, i would never have it any other way. but really, must everything be in this certain upside-downside kind of wave? don't make a mistake of thinking that i am one ungrateful a-hole coz am not. i thank the heavens and stars above for putting me in such a situation where i am certainly proud about what i have accomplished in life, let alone my future generation ( if any at all)...but there is this kind of empty hush in my mind, a hollow point, much like a vacuum of zilch filling every space of my body right now. am i feeling the bug of a twenty something early midlife crisis?? i don't freakin know whatever that stands for but it sure preoccupies my mind right about now. i mean, when you honestly think about it, i must assure myself that i should not be the only one in this kind of quiet contemplation. misery loves company. ok.... i am a bit in misery but i don't know where the misery is directed at. or should i ever be in misery after all? right now maybe i wanna feel like i was in my growing up years where pearl jam, soundgarden, toadies, weezer, smashing pumpkins, silverchair, green day, gin blossoms, RATM ruled the waves....and yeah, don't forget STP...

well, i am slated to watch the pumpkins at the fillmore--yep, they have reunited and have 8 shows lined up. so has RATM at the rock the bells...

but nothing can ever compare to coachella...

not resting on my laurels....

2007-05-08T07:14:00.000-07:00

sounds terribly nice yet it feels like i hated coming back to where i was during the long wait for the bar results. went back "home" just for the oath taking and the signing of the roll and twas ten days of pure pleasure. nothin more can be said about it. first time in years that i've come home feeling so refreshed and excited only because returning meant that i've accomplished what i started. goin "home" now back here in the bay seems like a douse of cold water over such a wonderful dreamy evening of fun, sun and frenzy. too bad, reality has bitten back and it's time to go through life as i know it once again. there's one more thing though to accomplish next...and it's not the big M word, rather, it's the esq. i'm after.

hate to say i told you so.....

2007-04-03T23:03:00.000-07:00

i passed the bar.

this is for my parents, my sister and the rest whom i consider family and friends alike. thanks for the fervent prayers and the endless stream of support.

sliding doors

2007-03-29T01:40:00.000-07:00

i would not utter the word "if" only to follow words that only show my discontent about how life has treated me cause i'm not that kind of person. i can only put so much ifs on my mind as it can absorb without showing much effect as to allow others to get some glimpse of how i view life as it passes me by rather quickly. yes, it can be a little disconcerting, nauseating at times, but mostly, it feels like i'm in that little boat sailing through rough sea conditions having the perfect mistake to not have consulted the doppler radar (which is by the way freely reported in the morning news). seems crazy, but days, months and years never seemed anymore crazier than what it has always been. i wouldn't consider that a mistake though, the lack of foresight could be the only thing that could have saved me from more unforgiving weather, or maybe not. nobody knows really how things could end up. there's just too many variables and i may have looked more closely than necessary to even notice the better things in life--blissful ironies of happiness in the most mundane things-- a chuckle, that killer smile, a foray of tantrums, even the never ending whine softly topped by a nice cold conversation depicting frustration, but nevertheless masks only what lies truly beneath. As one who has lived through it to tell this tale, it's that simple feeling of winter's passing and just relishing that great warmth of spring in each morning after... i always feel that, but never in the sense of uttering the words carelessly in my mouth. i have kept all that sudden beat, skip and throbbing, not to mention the unexpected blush and elation safely stored in my memory.

fading days of march

2007-03-28T23:53:00.000-07:00

there's just so many things going on right now to actually see things clearer as usual. as is the case, days now are never the usual, not out of the ordinary, but the bland roll of time ticking away like clockwork reminds me of such seemingly endless wait for something irrationally relevant such as the release of the results. i say irrational because there's no need to ponder a single thought on it much less waste productive time thinking more about it each day, since after taking such grueling exams, one need only wait till the actual results come out. the agony of waiting only becomes such a relevant factor because every breath of life in every hard-pressed soul who took the exams seemed spent and hung out left to dry helplessly at around this specific moment--the fading days of march. will i ever make it? that is the question hanging on everyone's mind repeatedly for days on end. every single day it never fails to crop up in each person's depository of memories and bitter pills. somehow, all these forced mental masturbation must have it's orgasmic end for many, but most will definitely be sucked out dry...

saying it as it is

2007-03-28T01:32:00.000-07:00

what's on my mind right now?Bar exam results
will i pass? i know i passed the 2006 bar exams.
when will it be officially released? april 3, 2007( 6:00 a.m. Eastern)
why i believed i made it to the list of successful examinees?
*i made it a point to have my handwriting legible enough to be understood
*never left a question unanswered
*any difficult question/out of coverage questions were all answered with cool logic
and perfect reasoning ( although it may not have been entirely based on all fours with regard to a leading case it purported to be based from)
*i never panicked during the four sundays of september, always remained cool and kept a relaxed demeanor, taking every question thrown at me with perfect stride
*started the bar review on my own pace, on my own schedule, read intelligently and limited my days going out
*spent three weeks in july in total isolation before going back to the regular review
* i had a manageable distraction but never something that could take me off from my main objective of taking the bar head on
*i made regular spiritual visits to a local church
* friends kept me sane and made the review fun and interestingly akin to a jeopardy show of wits and intelligence
*for the month of august and september, after the regular lectures, headed straight to dunkin donuts to spend more time reviewing and being surrounded by friends who reviewed till we all bled dry
*a typical day of review was set unconsciously at 12 hours minimum during the months of august and september, 8 hours minimum for the months of may and june...
*i just thought about myself, my needs first before anything else, and yes, i wasn't a saint during the review
*unfortunately, ( or fortunately) the review materials only provided answers to roughly 5 percent of the bar exams--lectures included--the rest depended entirely on your own wit, skill, logic and cool headedness and grace under tremendous pressure
*i know am not a super smart, geeky bookworm all my life but i've been even better than those types just because....i am.

what subjects i felt i did good at?
Political law, labor and social legislation
what subjects i felt i had the most apprehension? taxation and criminal law
what subjects kept me thinking intelligently despite the lack of exact answers on my mind?
civil law, commercial law
what subjects had me using most of my stock knowledge? remedial law and legal ethics
what subjects had me using more of my persuasive arguments based on logic and common sense? taxation most especially since most questions were out of the coverage, and civil law comes in a close second

nightmares on carnelian street

2007-03-26T16:51:00.000-07:00

i've been having very lucid dreams lately, or should i say, nightmares to be more particular. a bloodied and severed hand, being chased by the police while driving haphazardly on the passenger side,fighting red tape while anxiously searching for my name at a list for successful examinees and lately, squeezing in people in a car standing on the friggin edge of a cliff that toppled over hittin the woman whose been with me since i first saw the light of life...too weird perhaps but that is the nature of dreams. i wouldn't dare decode it, it's time consuming and what help could it offer? i mean, obviously, i've carried my days' worries over to fantasyland almost every night and to search for it's meaning would turn out to be a futile exercise. assuming for the sake of argument that i do try to find out their meaning, the surprise would have been revealed by week's end. thus, i may just relish the thought of having to encounter more of these nightmarish incursions with open arms within the next few days...move over oscar, this isn't sesame street...

one hundred sixty eight hours of solitude

2007-03-21T15:31:00.000-07:00

that's a week of time to ponder, think, reflect about whatever can ever be thought of while awaiting the inevitable mystery which will finally unfold in due time. yes, time does have a way of making life turn quickly, either for the better or for the worse. For time to sit still in this day and age is such an ancient mystery, and yet, it feels as if such stillness of time has come upon me. it has laid such a heavy piercing weight of thorns and such blackened memories of days gone by. i have held tough, looking unaffected, unattached to the deep rumblings my mind plays endlessly. definitely, things will change over time but neither myself nor any self proclaiming soothsayer has any idea about it. this is one time in my life where my fate is in someone else's hands and the feeling is beyond words....not out of exhiliration but by something else not pretty enough for print..

march madness

2007-03-20T16:00:00.000-07:00

i have heard through numerous sources that the results will come out this friday, the 23rd. i am inclined to believe that before anything could be considered as plausible, it should certainly be from a very credible source, a consiglieri to say the least. the probability of the results released in the next week is closer to the truth, but the possibility of it coming out this friday is not itself unfounded. i, for one, received the message from a good friend and colleague. it is therefore a safe assumption that my countdown to the march madness is winding earlier as planned.
nothing can be more horrifying and exciting in one's scholarly life than this proverbial wait for the impending results of the bar. this goes without saying that the road truly ends here, and where one waits, eager anticipation and positive determination constantly fill each one's mind. halfway accross the world notwithstanding, the anticipation is feverish and only the daily grind of work and sleep are nothing but measly incidents in this overwhelming wait.

burning the night light

2007-03-14T03:15:00.000-07:00

no, i am not studying...just busying myself with the calmness that every late night brings. i practically dread the noise of the day, preferring the solitude of night to bring in my senses, reflections and what nots.. not much happened today, not that eventful anyway. a short trip to the dry cleaners, bought a piece of carrot cake at a local 7-11, and replenished supplies from the local grocery made the day really uneventful. not that i needed a big splash today, or for any day for that matter but the thought of making a "parade" of certain important event's isn't really my cup of tea. i am just fine with being a mere face in the crowd and i just assume the position every time. with no qualms. i like the anonymity because it's the very thing i crave to keep me literally "free" from the awkward familiarities and cheesy social conversation about the news and the weather if you know what i mean. it's just a ton a bullshit carrying on any conversation just for the sake of having it. to me it doesn't carry any sufficient weight to make any day worthwhile. it's just that--a piece of crap. Whatever value anonymity brings, it keeps me answerable only to myself and to no one else.

E.cayce

2007-03-07T19:48:00.000-08:00

i am trying to remotely view my results from the exam i took several months ago...and i am seeing a positive vibe:)what i can only say is that this isn't any different from gambling--the chance of making a killing is fifty-fifty and you either win it or lose it all... Fortunately, i have been well prepared for the challenge several months back and in only as few as two weeks time, i would know for sure if my whole hearted effort has indeed paid off. Only two ways to find out: WAIT for the actual release of the results or TRUST my INTUITION.

The way i see things, i think i already know how things will turn out... and i couldn't be any happier:)

tough gear

2007-03-05T00:41:00.000-08:00

I always loved that car show from the BBC, too bad it hasn't gone over the airwaves ( or digital cable waves as it appears on this side of the world) like i was used to seeing it back in the day... i must say, i only have the magazine to keep me company( of course i lied, i left all my mags in my "other room" so i only have the "magazine" in my memory). Nevertheless, one thing i like about it is it's brutal honesty and no nonsense explanation of what a car is. simply put, is this car good?or, borrowing from Clarkson, " simply rubbish." i admire him dearly for his funny, no BS categorical judgment of a car's specs and zoom factor...until he hit a nerve so close to me i was bleeding literally from guilt every single day i leave home-- he goes on to say with definitive authority how this certain car is the good choice for execs and soon to be execs seeking to be social climbers, and it's the car you love to hate just like Michael Schumacher because it is so damn good.......i leave the comments to him but truly he said it right, I hate Schumy coz he wins almost every race ( except last season) and yeah, the car is so damn good... and by the way, i ain't no exec so i'd rather run than climb....

--insert sound of the allman bros.--

my days are numbered

2007-03-05T00:14:00.000-08:00

the calendar seemed like a good for nothin clutter in any one's desk except for the fact that when "dates" seem to matter, it just might be of good use somehow, somewhere, and sometime... the month of March for this year seemed to be an important repository of dates, at least for me. First, I started this "new" thing called blogging..which isn't really new, but IS new to me. Second, i'm waiting for something BIG this March, so grand it seems that it has always been on my mind for so many years now as far as i can recall. Never thought ( of course i've always thought about it, but you know, it sounds a lil better that way) this eventful EVENT is so eventful [emphasis supplied unnecessarily to emphasize the event and so the word emphasize has been emphatically repeated over and over unncessarily to drive the eventful event--of course you get the point clearly now] this could be the biggest event of my otherwise uneventful existence...so far.

anyhow, going back to the calendar, i've got dates marked, the 23rd and the 30th, and i feel soooo soooo good about it. when the day comes, it'll be just any other day, and so is the calendar...just another clutter in the desk of everybody else's lives..I, however, will make that day count as something else...it'll be one of the earliest spring break for me.

scuttlebutt

2007-03-04T23:54:00.000-08:00

i don't know what the effen title means really...but it sounds funny nonetheless. makes me wonder about those times i've uttered the words " happy camper"--some things really are funny sounding and funny in itself just by blurting it out. funny because it brings me back to memories of wordplay in a really good conversation about nothin and yet the day just seemed to be a lil bit better afterwards. All about words, and how they can convey such a bright and positive mood in any single instance. Just like that, words can make a day last a lifetime of nostalgic memories safely stashed in my mind. Mind-baffling brain-sucking-good-for-nothing word play that does funny trickery every now and then like a friggin dead-beat cd player consumed from it's previously efficient utility. just like that, words can either make or break anything under the tropical heat...fortunately, am a bit north of the equator for the meantime and days seem to be rolling just as fine.

wake up and smell the negativity

2007-03-03T13:51:00.000-08:00

the days seem to go by so swiftly and it seems it would be for the better.. i hope. woke up today feeling tired from last night's sleep, had a dream that mirrored the life i built and breathed, yet by the gentle heat of the morning sun, i woke up, got rid of the dream and hurried back to the daily grind of things.

it seems weird how things turn out the way you never wanted. i've always been positive about life, how good it can be and yet somehow, LIFE just get's in the way of your hopes, your most precious things, and everything that you consider closest to your heart.

whatever comes out of it, in the end, i find comfort that i lived through it, despite all the negativity around.

the long wait...

2007-03-02T00:48:00.000-08:00

it is exactly 30 days till the day of reckoning..and i am not about to wait silently until the long wait consumes me inside out. For so long i have waited for this day to come, and yet it feels like i never want that day to arrive for reasons i reserve only to myself. It's a done deal for all i know and yet i still hope that when that day finally comes, a "new history" will dawn upon me. I've never been in this kind of pressure in my life so far, yet this impending judgment upon me seems like it's going to either burst my bubble or give me such a great relief for making it through. For now, hope is all i breath.