sliding doors

i would not utter the word "if" only to follow words that only show my discontent about how life has treated me cause i'm not that kind of person. i can only put so much ifs on my mind as it can absorb without showing much effect as to allow others to get some glimpse of how i view life as it passes me by rather quickly. yes, it can be a little disconcerting, nauseating at times, but mostly, it feels like i'm in that little boat sailing through rough sea conditions having the perfect mistake to not have consulted the doppler radar (which is by the way freely reported in the morning news). seems crazy, but days, months and years never seemed anymore crazier than what it has always been. i wouldn't consider that a mistake though, the lack of foresight could be the only thing that could have saved me from more unforgiving weather, or maybe not. nobody knows really how things could end up. there's just too many variables and i may have looked more closely than necessary to even notice the better things in life--blissful ironies of happiness in the most mundane things-- a chuckle, that killer smile, a foray of tantrums, even the never ending whine softly topped by a nice cold conversation depicting frustration, but nevertheless masks only what lies truly beneath. As one who has lived through it to tell this tale, it's that simple feeling of winter's passing and just relishing that great warmth of spring in each morning after... i always feel that, but never in the sense of uttering the words carelessly in my mouth. i have kept all that sudden beat, skip and throbbing, not to mention the unexpected blush and elation safely stored in my memory.

fading days of march

there's just so many things going on right now to actually see things clearer as usual. as is the case, days now are never the usual, not out of the ordinary, but the bland roll of time ticking away like clockwork reminds me of such seemingly endless wait for something irrationally relevant such as the release of the results. i say irrational because there's no need to ponder a single thought on it much less waste productive time thinking more about it each day, since after taking such grueling exams, one need only wait till the actual results come out. the agony of waiting only becomes such a relevant factor because every breath of life in every hard-pressed soul who took the exams seemed spent and hung out left to dry helplessly at around this specific moment--the fading days of march. will i ever make it? that is the question hanging on everyone's mind repeatedly for days on end. every single day it never fails to crop up in each person's depository of memories and bitter pills. somehow, all these forced mental masturbation must have it's orgasmic end for many, but most will definitely be sucked out dry...

saying it as it is

what's on my mind right now?Bar exam results
will i pass? i know i passed the 2006 bar exams.
when will it be officially released? april 3, 2007( 6:00 a.m. Eastern)
why i believed i made it to the list of successful examinees?
*i made it a point to have my handwriting legible enough to be understood
*never left a question unanswered
*any difficult question/out of coverage questions were all answered with cool logic
and perfect reasoning ( although it may not have been entirely based on all fours with regard to a leading case it purported to be based from)
*i never panicked during the four sundays of september, always remained cool and kept a relaxed demeanor, taking every question thrown at me with perfect stride
*started the bar review on my own pace, on my own schedule, read intelligently and limited my days going out
*spent three weeks in july in total isolation before going back to the regular review
* i had a manageable distraction but never something that could take me off from my main objective of taking the bar head on
*i made regular spiritual visits to a local church
* friends kept me sane and made the review fun and interestingly akin to a jeopardy show of wits and intelligence
*for the month of august and september, after the regular lectures, headed straight to dunkin donuts to spend more time reviewing and being surrounded by friends who reviewed till we all bled dry
*a typical day of review was set unconsciously at 12 hours minimum during the months of august and september, 8 hours minimum for the months of may and june...
*i just thought about myself, my needs first before anything else, and yes, i wasn't a saint during the review
*unfortunately, ( or fortunately) the review materials only provided answers to roughly 5 percent of the bar exams--lectures included--the rest depended entirely on your own wit, skill, logic and cool headedness and grace under tremendous pressure
*i know am not a super smart, geeky bookworm all my life but i've been even better than those types just because....i am.

what subjects i felt i did good at?
Political law, labor and social legislation
what subjects i felt i had the most apprehension? taxation and criminal law
what subjects kept me thinking intelligently despite the lack of exact answers on my mind?
civil law, commercial law
what subjects had me using most of my stock knowledge? remedial law and legal ethics
what subjects had me using more of my persuasive arguments based on logic and common sense? taxation most especially since most questions were out of the coverage, and civil law comes in a close second

nightmares on carnelian street

i've been having very lucid dreams lately, or should i say, nightmares to be more particular. a bloodied and severed hand, being chased by the police while driving haphazardly on the passenger side,fighting red tape while anxiously searching for my name at a list for successful examinees and lately, squeezing in people in a car standing on the friggin edge of a cliff that toppled over hittin the woman whose been with me since i first saw the light of life...too weird perhaps but that is the nature of dreams. i wouldn't dare decode it, it's time consuming and what help could it offer? i mean, obviously, i've carried my days' worries over to fantasyland almost every night and to search for it's meaning would turn out to be a futile exercise. assuming for the sake of argument that i do try to find out their meaning, the surprise would have been revealed by week's end. thus, i may just relish the thought of having to encounter more of these nightmarish incursions with open arms within the next few days...move over oscar, this isn't sesame street...

one hundred sixty eight hours of solitude

that's a week of time to ponder, think, reflect about whatever can ever be thought of while awaiting the inevitable mystery which will finally unfold in due time. yes, time does have a way of making life turn quickly, either for the better or for the worse. For time to sit still in this day and age is such an ancient mystery, and yet, it feels as if such stillness of time has come upon me. it has laid such a heavy piercing weight of thorns and such blackened memories of days gone by. i have held tough, looking unaffected, unattached to the deep rumblings my mind plays endlessly. definitely, things will change over time but neither myself nor any self proclaiming soothsayer has any idea about it. this is one time in my life where my fate is in someone else's hands and the feeling is beyond words....not out of exhiliration but by something else not pretty enough for print..

march madness

i have heard through numerous sources that the results will come out this friday, the 23rd. i am inclined to believe that before anything could be considered as plausible, it should certainly be from a very credible source, a consiglieri to say the least. the probability of the results released in the next week is closer to the truth, but the possibility of it coming out this friday is not itself unfounded. i, for one, received the message from a good friend and colleague. it is therefore a safe assumption that my countdown to the march madness is winding earlier as planned.
nothing can be more horrifying and exciting in one's scholarly life than this proverbial wait for the impending results of the bar. this goes without saying that the road truly ends here, and where one waits, eager anticipation and positive determination constantly fill each one's mind. halfway accross the world notwithstanding, the anticipation is feverish and only the daily grind of work and sleep are nothing but measly incidents in this overwhelming wait.

burning the night light

no, i am not studying...just busying myself with the calmness that every late night brings. i practically dread the noise of the day, preferring the solitude of night to bring in my senses, reflections and what nots.. not much happened today, not that eventful anyway. a short trip to the dry cleaners, bought a piece of carrot cake at a local 7-11, and replenished supplies from the local grocery made the day really uneventful. not that i needed a big splash today, or for any day for that matter but the thought of making a "parade" of certain important event's isn't really my cup of tea. i am just fine with being a mere face in the crowd and i just assume the position every time. with no qualms. i like the anonymity because it's the very thing i crave to keep me literally "free" from the awkward familiarities and cheesy social conversation about the news and the weather if you know what i mean. it's just a ton a bullshit carrying on any conversation just for the sake of having it. to me it doesn't carry any sufficient weight to make any day worthwhile. it's just that--a piece of crap. Whatever value anonymity brings, it keeps me answerable only to myself and to no one else.